It never goes away
by Linda Ku
Summary: Pain, whether emotional or physical never really leaves a person. It just gets pushed aside, hidden and locked away in a chest within someones subconscious. Waiting for the chance to spring free and override any happiness. It was time for Kurt's pain to escape. Warning: Homophobic language present. Other warnings inside. Kurt-centric
1. Chapter 1

I don't own Glee. This may triggering (or may become triggering as the story unfolds) since it deals with a lot of heavy stuff. This is a repost and I hope y'all like it :)

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><p>Kurt stared at his cup, his mind not really registering anything around him. He could hear Blaine's words swirling around in his mind.<p>

"You're treating me just like that guy that terrorized you into leaving your old school." Was he doing just that? Was he any better than that bully?

"_Oh please Blaine, bisexuality is just a term gay people use to hold hands with a girl in order to feel normal."_ That's exactly how he was acting. He was a bully, not in the physical sense, but in the emotional sense he was. He just downplayed Blaine's switch to bisexuality and made him feel bad about it. He made him feel like it was wrong. Kurt covered his face with his hands. He was a bully, a hurtful bully.

"I'm sorry." He knew those two words wouldn't make it any better. He hurt Blaine in a way that was not ok. The thing was he didn't feel that way towards bisexuality. Brittany, blessed girl, was bisexual and he had no qualms about that. It was just…Did it _have_ to be Rachel? The girl he had been competing against for so long. The girl who had gotten everything Kurt had wanted. The boys, the solos, the recognition…

And what did Kurt have? Friends? Mercedes didn't even talk to him anymore, he attached himself to Blaine the minute he came to Dalton, and he just messed up that friendship. And they were the only two people that he could even _pretend_ were his friends.

Family? You could count that, but where did he fit in that scenario? Sure he had lady chats with Finn, but really, their relationship was awkward at best, and Finn could easily step in the role of single child. He didn't have to do any housework and he was there for the weekends only. To be honest, he was only taking up space. They were better off without him.

Significant other? Kurt wanted to scoff. He didn't have that at all, never had, and with how screwed up he is, he'll never have it. The only thing he had was a crazed stalker who wanted to kill him.

He had nothing.

He _was_ nothing

Kurt couldn't stand having to sit there anymore. He got up and made his way to the car, only to realize that Blaine had driven them both there. Kurt held in a chocked sob and began the trek towards Dalton. He knew that by the time he got there, it would be curfew, but he couldn't go home, not looking like this. He released a sigh and pulled his jacket closer to him as the breeze picked up. He looked up at the sky and noted the ominous dark color. The rain would be coming any minute now.

Kurt couldn't find it in himself to care.

"_Unlovable,"_ Kurt knew he was unlovable. He knew that nobody with a right mind would ever find someone, some _thing_ like him, beautiful. If there actually was a God. Was Kurt only there for His enjoyment? Was he only there so that this so called God could sit down and watch the soap opera that made up Kurt's life? No, Kurt wasn't so significant that he was made for "God's" enjoyment. He wasn't even all that interesting. He was sure there were others that could provide better entertainment.

Kurt was tired.

He was tired of being told he wasn't good enough. He was tired of being told that he was too much. Too much personality, too much flame, too much fairy, too much….Just too much… He couldn't even do anything without his motives being questioned. What made him so different? What made him so unlovable? God what repulsed people? Why did they leave? Was it his too goddamn high voice? Was it his clothing? Was it his personality? What was it?

What the fuck was it?

A sob ripped through him, the sound masked by a clap of thunder.

Why oh why wasn't he normal? Why couldn't he get the memo that his presence was only tolerated? Why couldn't he just say "Oh God" instead of "Oh Gaga"? Why was he so _different_? He hated that word. He almost hated it as much as the word _special_. Wasn't that how they referred to mentally handicapped kids? So was he also mentally handicapped? Was there something that caused him to be on a different tune? He didn't want to be different. He didn't want to be _special_. Why couldn't he watch football with his father and _enjoy it_? Why did he have to like gay shit like project runway? Why was he such a fucking stereotype?

Tears cascaded down his cheeks, camouflaging itself with the rain.

Kurt often wondered what would happen if he killed himself. Who he thought would be at his funeral. Who he thought would cry. He idly wondered if Karofsky would show up, but then shook that thought out of his mind. Was he really so starved for attention that he thought about his killer stalker and wondered if they would come to his made up funeral?

Yes

Yes he was. He knew he was. There was no point in denying the obvious. Kurt was so pathetic that he thought about his stalker with some sense of contentment. He just wanted some recognition. He wanted _any_ recognition. He just fucking wanted someone to notice he existed. And the only person that sought it out was the stalker of his nightmares.

Another sob ripped through him. There was nothing to mask the sound.

He made others uncomfortable with his presence. Finn said so himself, he has to change in the bathroom because he's afraid that Kurt would look at his manly bits. He was afraid that Kurt would molest him in his sleep. He thought Kurt was a fucking rapist. He didn't say it, but Kurt could see it in his eyes.

He thought Kurt was a monster.

And in a way, Kurt was. What else would cause Blaine to blow up at him like that? Only a monster would say the things he said. Only a monster would force his presence on those who do not wish to have it. He was an unlovable monster. He was a horrendous monster, a useless monster, a _special _monster.

The rain soaked through his shirt, passed his skin and froze his bones.

He didn't know the meaning of the word no. He could see the badly hidden disgust within Finn's eyes. He could see the threat of his actions with Sam. He could see the potential disaster of falling for the first gay man he met. He knew all of this. And yet, he didn't stay away. He pushed and pushed and _pushed_ wanting someone, anyone to acknowledge him.

But that would never happen. Nobody wanted to be associated with him. And He knew that. So why in the hell did he continue to pursue people?

He knew that words that flew from his mouth during his fight with Blaine were wrong, but he was so _hurt_, he was so _humiliated_, and he retaliated. He knew he should have stopped. He knew that Blaine was telling him no. Blaine didn't owe him anything. Blaine didn't need to have such a screw up as a friend. He didn't deserve it. Blaine already told him no, he told him that his feelings were not recuperated. He told him. He fucking _told_ him! And what did Kurt do? He ignored the word no, and continued to press.

A wail sailed past his lips.

Kurt knew he was a disappointment. He knew his father loved him, but he could see the frustration building. His father had wanted him to enjoy football, baseball, _guy_ things. His father had wanted him to wear boy clothes and date girls. He knew his father wanted all that when he was born. He knew his father loved him gay or straight but he could see the disappointment in his eyes when he told him that he was gay. He knew his father was uncomfortable with it, with _him_.

Kurt knew this. He knew it.

Kurt saw the hope in his father's when he brought home Brittney, a girl, home. He saw it, he saw the hope when he started speaking in his lower register, he saw the hope when he started playing football. He saw it all. And what did he do? He dashed it by telling his dad he was gay, when he continued to speak in his normal register, and when he quit football for cheerleading. Cheerleading! How much more gay could you get?

He gasped for breath, the tears beginning to sting his eyes.

He was such a pansy. Such a fucking pansy…

He could see Dalton in the distance

_"Why are you crying? Only pussy fairies and girls cry. Are you a pussy fairy Hummel?"_

Kurt furiously wiped the tears. He wasn't a pussy fairy.

_"Sup homo? Why are you limping? Had any fun getting it up in the ass?"_

_"Dude we all know he likes it in the mouth. Isn't that right Homo?"_

The memories, the words, the old slurs came at him, hitting him with full force. He shook his head.

"Not now, please not now." He couldn't have a break down when he was almost there. He just couldn't.

_"No you can't play with us. We don't wanna play with a sissy boy like you. Aww is sissy boy going to cry?"_

"No, no more."

_"No, boys can't play with us, they're icky. You're a boy, you're icky too!"_

No, he wasn't icky.

_"Fag," locker check_

Kurt flinched, as if expecting the pain from being slammed into the locker.

_"Fairy!" balloons pelted at him. He looked down at the suspicious color before smelling the shirt. He gagged at the smell and fell to the ground throwing up his lunch._

Kurt was so close. He opened the front door to the building and crept inside. He came right at curfew. His feet squelched against the ground as he made his way towards his room. He was shivering now, he knew he was going to be sick from this, but he didn't care. He made his way to his room but stopped before opening the door.

Would Blaine tell someone?

Of course he would, Kurt had hurt him. Kurt wouldn't put it past him to tell all of the Warblers.

But Kurt shared a room with Nick.

A Warbler…

Kurt drew in a quick breath before opening the door. He looked around the dark room before sighing in relief. He wasn't ready for any confrontation. He quickly took off his shoes before making his way towards the restroom.

"Kurt," Kurt froze.

"Kurt," looks like his luck wasn't going to help him, not like it ever really did. The lights were switched on.

"Jesus Kurt, you're shivering." Kurt spared him no answer before making his way towards the restroom.

"I'm going to be waiting right out here for your side of the story Kurt." Kurt's eyes widened for a fraction of a second before he closed the bathroom and worked on his shower.

Kurt's mind wasn't reeling anymore. In fact Kurt didn't think at all while he was in the bathroom. He felt his shivering subside as he went under the boiling hot water. He felt numb. And in a way, this was how he wanted it to be. He sighed and stepped out of the shower and without preparing himself, flung open the bathroom door and grabbed some clothing without looking at it and put it on. He did all this without looking at his roommate. When he was done, he sighed and turned to face him. His ice mask was on; he didn't feel the need to show Nick anything when he was in the wrong in the first place. He heard Nick's sharp intake of breath and stared at him. He made his way towards his bed and promptly sat down.

"Kurt," He heard Nick. He heard the meaning behind him saying his name. He heard the pity, the want to understand. He heard it all. He just didn't want to have them directed at him.

"Nick," His voice sounded dead. Kurt wonders if he would have been horrified if he wasn't so numb.

"Tell me what happened." Kurt turned towards his roommate. The one that knew everything, the one that knew it because of his nightmares, the one he couldn't lie to.

"I'm a monster Nick." His voice little emotion, the tone flat and matter of fact.

"Kurt, you're not a monster." Kurt looked at his hands and continued as though he hadn't heard what Nick had said.

"I'm just like Dave Karofsky. I hurt him Nick. I didn't even mean to. But then again I guess that's why I'm a monster. I hurt people without even trying." Kurt let out a humorless chuckle. Honestly there wasn't anything funny about this. Kurt heard Nick get up out of his bed and come towards his. He felt the bed dip and Nick settle himself beside him.

"Is that what Blaine said?" Nick asked. Kurt could hear the anger underneath the surface.

"Yes, but I basically said bisexuality wasn't real, that it was fabricated to make gay men feel better. And the funny thing is, I don't believe that. I know bisexuality exists, I know it's real. I have friends who are bisexual. I honestly don't care if you want to fuck a girl, boy, or a chair. I don't care. The thing I cared about was the fact that they _both_ knew that I liked Blaine. BOTH of them did. And he picked her, he picked the girl who was my friend, he picked the girl that I competed with, and she picked him." Kurt felt a lump in his throat.

"But that doesn't make what I said right. What I said was basically what Karofsky did to me. I made Blaine feel bad about himself. Tell me how that isn't like a monster." Kurt wanted to inject emotion into his voice. He wanted to make Nick _feel_ it.

His voice was devoid of emotion.

"Kurt, you didn't threaten Blaine. Sure you what you said was wrong. But you _knew _it was wrong. You want to apologize; I can see it in your eyes. But you're scared." Nick replied. Kurt turned towards his roommate, his dull eyes connecting with smoldering hazel.

"I'm tired Nick. I'm tired of everything. I just don't want it anymore." His voice was dead. Nick pulled him into a hug.

"It'll be okay Kurt. It'll be okay." Kurt felt something hit his face and saw Nick crying. He held on tighter.

It'll be ok. It has to.

"It'll never be okay. I'm too much of a mess to be fixed." Kurt muttered so low Nick couldn't hear. Kurt fell asleep in Nick's arms as the day's events caught up with him.

_"Hey Pansy boy are you going to go play with your dolls?" They grabbed Kurt's backpack and threw it on the ground._

_"Fag" was spelled out on his yard as his furniture was nailed to the roof._

_"Fairy" was shouted as he felt the freezing liquid hit his face._

_"Why don't you just go die so that God can punish you?" A knife to his stomach, a trip to the hospital, his father crying._

"I'm too messed up to be fixed."

So why don't I just go die?


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2! Don't own anything! Oh and The Watcher will be up on the 7th! Still getting edited :)

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><p><em>It was dark where he was. His senses were stripped of any semblance of feeling. Disorienting was the only word that he could use. Kurt began to breathe harshly, trying to move his hands and panicking when he couldn't. What was happening?<em>

_"Let's get this over with," Kurt's ear twitched as he registered a voice. He wanted to scream, to get their attention, but a swift kick to his side stopped him. He coughed harshly, registering the sounds of laughter. Dread pooled into his stomach, there were too many people. How was he going to protect himself?_

_"Okay, you go be lookout." a set of footsteps steadily moved away from his position and Kurt breathed deeply. Someone grabbed onto his hair, pulling him roughly up. Kurt held in his hiss of pain._

_He wouldn't give them any satisfaction._

_The bag over his head was pulled open, and Kurt squinted his eyes at the harsh sunlight, resisting the urge to close them. He didn't know what these people were planning to do with him, but he'd be damned if he went without a fight. He subtly checked the amount of people around and breathed softly when he noticed it was only two men, significantly larger than he was. It wasn't going to be easy, but Kurt was always a quick runner. He took another deep breath and pushed down the urge to throw up._

_"Come on, the longer we stay here, the more likely we're going to get caught." The leader-since he was the only one talking-said, motioning for his minion to grab Kurt's shoulder. Kurt's eyes wandered around the trees, noting that this was the edge of the park he and his mother would frequent when he was a child. It was safe and filled with child-like wonder back then._

_Now it was filled with fear and dread. Kurt lamented the loss of his childhood._

_He shook his head, he couldn't afford to get lost in his grief right now. He needed a plan. The sounds of water reached his ears, and Kurt pushed down the hysterical sob that wanted to burst from his lips._

_He knew exactly what they wanted to do with him. He pushed back against the guy holding him, managing to stumble out of his grip. Kurt grit his teeth and charged the guy, kicking him in the balls._

_No way was Kurt Elizabeth Hummel going to drown._

_He didn't spare the guy a look, running awkwardly with his hands still tied behind his back. He didn't hear the guy shout for his friend, he didn't see the guy crash into him. He didn't see it._

_**WHAM**!_

_Kurt hit the ground with a loud thump. He scrambled to get up, to get away but Kurt knew he wasn't fast enough._

_"Where do you think you're going you fucking fag?" Kurt grit his teeth and spit in the man's face. He wouldn't break. He wouldn't!_

_"Who do you think you are? Running around all prissy and stuck up with your ass practically on display. Do you know what you've done?" Tears gathered in Kurt's eyes as the man continued, pressing his body on Kurt's._

_"Is this what you want? I wasn't going to do it, but you've left me no choice." A zip was all it took for Kurt to try to fight back. He gasped softly when cool metal pressed next to his neck. His eyes locked onto mad brown ones. He shook softly, pleads and denials leaving his lips. His eyes flit from place to place, trying to find someone, **anyone**, who would be able to save him._

_Would God? If he prayed?_

_As if his prayers were answered, Kurt noticed a familiar face hidden in the brush of the trees. Before he could stop himself, he started to scream in order to get attention, not stopping when the man punched him._

_"Mr. Mason!" Kurt pleaded, wondering why the man wasn't rushing towards him. Tears streamed down his face as he registered the man's cold eyes._

_"Please," he choked, crying out when the man on top of him pushed into him. Pleads and demands left his lips as the grunts above him started to get louder. Pain ripped through him, destroying him from the inside out._

_Why wasn't Mr. Mason helping him?_

_With a moan the man shoved himself off of Kurt, taking a moment to crouch in front of him._

_"You're nothing," Kurt didn't register the knife entering him, too busy staring into cold grey eyes._

_Why wasn't he **ever** saved?_

_He was slowly choking on his own blood; Kurt wondered if he die. He refused to remove his gaze from the man who didn't help him. Kurt watched as Mr. Mason walked towards him, his face an emotionless mask._

_"Die so that you can be punished," with that Mr. Mason walked away, his steps even and unhampered by any guilt._

_The betrayal washed over Kurt. It slinked its way past his eyes, down to his heart, where it left a sizable crack._

_With difficulty, Kurt turned his head to stare at the sky._

_Couldn't he be saved?_

Kurt awoke with a choked gasp. He jumped off of his bed and looked around frantically. He tried to remember where he was. He closed his eyes and breathed in. He was in Dalton; he was in his room that he shared with Nick. He was…safe?

He breathed out slowly, taking his time in calming down. Once he was sufficiently calm, he made his way towards the bathroom. He turned on the light; not bothering to shut the door as he heard Nick's soft snoring and knew he would be okay. He lifted up his shirt and traced the jagged line that ran across his stomach, right above his navel. He felt the tears come down as he touched it.

The sound of sirens filled the air.

_"KURT! Oh my son! Kurt!"_

Kurt shook his head; he couldn't let the memories overtake him. He wouldn't allow them to.

He knew it was futile though, the memories always had a way of messing with him.

_"Kurt! Oh my son, you're awake!" Kurt saw the overjoyed look on his fathers face. He tried to smile back but flinched at the sudden pain._

_"Kurt, tell me who did this to you." Kurt didn't look at his father, he couldn't. How do you tell your father that you were assaulted? That there was nothing left of you because they took it all from you?_

_How do you tell him that his best friend witnessed the entire thing?_

Kurt closed his eyes.

That was when he started disappointing, _hurting_ his father.

He remembered the emotions that swirled through his father's eyes when he told him his friend was there and had done nothing to help him. Kurt refused to tell him about that though. He didn't think he would tell anybody.

The disbelief that flickered through his father's eyes hurt. It hurt badly.

Then there was the shame. The shame in having a son who couldn't even defend himself…That hurt even more.

Then the anger came. It wasn't really anger; it was more tangible than that. It wasn't just an emotion, it was the way his father had held himself. The hands clenching, the teeth gnashing together, the face contorted into pure, unadulterated rage.

Kurt had never felt so scared in his life.

Then came the emotion that hurt Kurt the most.

The sadness

It ate up at his father. It caused him to fall into his chair. It caused him to put his hands in his face and let out a wail. The wail of sadness, the wail of anger, despair, pain. Kurt felt tears slide down his face as he continued to absentmindedly stroke his scar.

The word FAG glared up at him from its place right above the jagged line.

_"I'm sorry, we tried everything but that scar will never fade."_

It'll always be here with him, reminding him. Showing him how much of a disappointment he is. Everything that happened to him was his fault. It was his gayness, his faggy-ness that caused him all this pain. He knew he couldn't change. He tried it before. His dad told him he was fine the way he was. But Kurt knew that wasn't true.

Kurt traced another scar along his shoulder. The word:_worthless_, reminding him of how much of a failure he was as a son and as a man. Kurt snorted, obviously he isn't a man. He's a fucking fairy that's out to convert and molest you. Isn't that what he did to Karofsky?

Tears continued to cascade down Kurt's face.

How long is he going to continue disappointing his father? How long is he going to let himself see the pain that lurked within his father's eyes? How long? How fucking long?

Kurt could feel the scream that was trying to escape.

How long until his father can't put up with his worthless fag self? How long? Kurt gave it 5 months.

The tears were coming down faster now, creating a steady stream of pain and sorrow.

His mother always told him to be himself. How could he be himself when the person he was, was morally wrong?

The scream in his throat was clawing at him to escape.

Kurt didn't believe in God but he knew that what he was, what he acted like, was wrong. Society said it was wrong, his old social circle were uncomfortable with the 'true' Kurt Hummel. He was wrong, his existence was wrong, he was a mistake. He shouldn't live.

Kurt let himself scream. He screamed and screamed until his throat was raw. And then he screamed some more. He was vaguely aware of Nick springing off of his bed and running to the bathroom. He was vaguely aware of Nick pleading with him to snap out of it, to come back to the present, to come back to him.

Kurt just continued to scream.

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><p>Kurt opened his eyes to blinding white. He snapped his eyes shut and groaned quietly…Or at least he tried to groan. All that came out of his mouth was a quiet, pathetically quiet squeak.<p>

"Kurt? Kurt buddy it's me, dad." Kurt groaned quietly in his head. Why was his father here? Is he here to punish him? Did Kurt do something bad? Oh God did something happen to his father?

Kurt snapped his eyes opened and ignored the pain of exposing his eyes to the brightness of the room. Instead, he focused his attention on the sole occupant in the room.

His father.

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><p>Burt was a proud but humble man. He was, what some of you may call, a typical blue collar worker. He owned an auto shop called Hummel's Tires and Lubes. His dream would be to one day open a string of them all around the country. He had hoped to share this dream with his son.<p>

But he knew that would never happen.

At least with his biological son Kurt.

It wasn't that Kurt didn't know how to fix up cars. Oh his son knew how to rebuild an engine with a blindfold on. His son knew how to change the oil and fix up a car. His son would help him with the auto shop if he asked. It was that Kurt didn't want do that for the rest of his life. Burt knew that wasn't Kurt's dream. Burt knew that Kurt wasn't going to stay in Lima after high school was over. Burt knew that. He knows that his son's dream is to be on Broadway. Burt knows that. He knows.

It didn't stop him from hoping though.

The minute his wife died, Burt knew that he had to step up and be the parent. He knew that he had to work though his homophobia all by himself since Elizabeth was no longer there to help him. Burt knew his son was homosexual before his son did, and he tried to be there for Kurt. He tried his best; he went to every showcasing his son had, and every play his son wanted to see. He went for him, for Kurt.

It didn't stop him for hoping that it was all just a phase.

So when Kurt brought home a girl and Burt caught him making out with her. He could feel the hope rising in his chest. Maybe his son was just a flamboyant straight man. Maybe his son was into boobs and vaginas instead of man nipples and penises. Maybe just maybe they could have something in common.

That was all dashed however when his son told him that he was gay.

And Burt knew he had to be supportive. He knew he should tell his kid that he's supportive. He knew that. He honestly knew that.

But instead he said: "I know, knew since you were three, you said you wanted sensible heels for your birthday." He knew he should have told him that it was okay and that him being gay didn't change anything.

But it did.

It changed everything for Burt. It made him realize that his son wasn't going through a phase. That his son preferred a penis to a vagina. That he wouldn't be telling his son the safety of wearing a condom in regards to getting a woman pregnant.

No, instead he had to tell his child about STD's and males having intercourse.

He tried to quell his own disgust. He tried to keep it out of his voice when he was telling his son about this. He really did.

But the minute Kurt flinched; he knew he didn't hide his disgust very well.

That night though...That night changed everything for him.

The night he got a phone call from the hospital telling him that his son was there. The night he saw his baby boy getting wheeled into the ICU. The night his son died twice before coming back to him.

Burt thought he aged 50 years that day. The day that he thought he would lose his baby boy forever.

Then his sweet son, his _fragile_ son opened his eyes and looked at him with such shame that it nearly made Burt flinch.

_"Kurt! Oh my son, you're awake!" Burt saw the pain reflected in his son's eyes and tried to smile, although he was pretty sure it turned into a grimace. He saw his son trying to recuperate the smile but it didn't quite reach his eyes._

_"Kurt, tell me who did this to you." Burt wanted to know who put his son in the hospital. He wanted to know who gave his son the bruises and the cut marks and those horrible scars. He wanted to know so badly._

_He wanted to kill them._

_Kurt wouldn't look at his eyes and Burt began to get worried, until he heard what was coming out his son's mouth._

_"I don't know who it was that hurt me. But dad," Kurt paused, a look of sheer agony and betrayal marring his face. Burt had to take a deep breath and grab his son's hand. He knew what Kurt was going to say was going to be upsetting._

_He just wasn't ready for what Kurt told him next._

_"J-Jonathan Mason, he-he was there. He was there dad, and he did nothing. Why would he do that?" The name washed over him and Burt looked at his son in disbelief. He didn't register the question Kurt asked, nor did he register the dead look in his son's eyes. His own disbelief was blinding him._

_Jonathan Mason would never hurt Kurt. Maybe Kurt was mistaken. That had to be it!_

_One look at his son dashed that idea._

_Then the feeling of shame came and almost drowned Burt. How could he have let that…that monster anywhere near his child? How could he? He was such a worthless father. He failed him. He failed to keep his only child safe._

_Anger quickly took over, making Burt want to look for Jonathan Mason. That no good son of a bitch was going to get what was coming to him. He would pay. He would pay dearly for hurting his child. His son's quiet voice broke him from his anger induced haze._

_"Daddy?" Oh God, Kurt hadn't called him that since Elizabeth's death._

_Sadness seeped into his core, reminding him that his baby was hurt, violated in ways he may never recover from. It crushed his lungs and left him gasping for breath._

_Burt looked at his son and quickly covered his face and let out a wail._

Burt looked at his son and tried to smile as he saw his son's eyes snap over to him. He saw the panic there and tried to quell the flow of tears that were threatening to burst from his eyelids. He swallowed and stared at his son. His beautiful boy, broken down by the hardships that life decided he had to face at such a young age.

Too young if you asked Burt.

"Dad, why am I in the hospital?" Burt could hear the strain in his son's voice and swallowed the torrent of tears just waiting to be unleashed.

"You had a panic attack in the bathroom and passed out son." Panic attack didn't even cover it. His son screaming for the life of him is not what normal people would call a panic attack.

"A panic attack?" Kurt asked. Burt nodded when he found he couldn't speak anymore.

"I see," Kurt's voice didn't even hold any emotion in it.

Where was his son? Where was the fiery little boy who would passionately defend himself with his quick wittedness? Where was the passion that flowed through his son's voice whenever he spoke? Where was the fire that lighted his son's eyes? Where was it?

Burt couldn't tell you anymore.

It looked as if Kurt Hummel was no more.

Burt really wanted to cry again.


	3. Chapter 3

Oh man this story is one of the most difficult project I've ever done. Every time I write a scene or a bit of the story, I always have to leave for fear of bawling. It's quite a draining process, but I do believe that it's something that needs to be done. Okay, I'm going to get a little personal here. The main reason as to why I wrote this story is because my brother came out as gay about three year ago. My family, although _very_ religious, had accepted him. We love him and we always will. The same couldn't be said for everyone else. My brother had to face scorn, and outright physical and emotional abuse. It was a difficult time for him. He told me-a little bit before I wrote this story-that had it not been for his family, and boyfriend, he would have committed suicide. And isn't that just a punch in the gut? So I decided that I was going to write this story. Everyone has pain and the level of tolerance is different for everyone. I'm writing this to let you know that you are NOT alone. If you EVER need someone to talk to, I am here. And in some ways, this chapter describes exactly how I'm feeling.

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><p>One word to describe Nick Grayson would be compassionate. He would always be the friend you could count on, the one you could come to with all of your problems and know, <em>just know<em>, that he wouldn't judge you for it. The one that you know will understand where you're coming from, the one that wouldn't choose between his two friends. This was the guy who was friends with everyone.

So when he heard about the fight between Blaine and Kurt, and the _reason_ for the fight, he tried to be neutral and listen to both sides before making a decision. He sensed that Blaine wasn't giving the whole story.

The same couldn't be said for his warbler counterparts.

They had immediately sided with Blaine and began ranting and raving about how Kurt was such a horrible guy and how Blaine shouldn't put up with his shit. They talked about how ungrateful Kurt was, and how much of a brat he was.

"I bet he made up the whole bullying thing just to get Blaine's sympathy." Nick's head snapped in the direction of Thad and Trent. He felt his eyes narrow.

"Yeah I mean really? He must have known that something happened to Blaine. I bet nothing happened to him!" Nick's hands clenched into fists and he began to shake with fury.

They didn't know a thing.

They didn't know a goddamn thing and they think it's okay to make baseless insults like that?

Who the fuck did they think they were?

"I bet he came here so that he could be closer to Blaine," Thad snickered.

"How pathetic, I mean who wastes that much money on being near a crush?" Trent guffawed.

"Well if any of it was real," Nick could hear the deep sarcasm that laced Thad's voice.

"He deserved it." Nick's eyes widened and he stood up, knocking the chair he was sitting on over.

They did not just say that.

They did not just fucking say that.

"Nick" Jeff began, his eyes showing worry. Nick _never_ lost his composure...

Nick shook his head and gave him a look that clearly said: "I'll tell you later." Jeff nodded, but his eyes continued to show worry for his friend.

"You're a bunch of idiots. How could you automatically side with Blaine?" He glared at Trent and Thad respectively before looking at the rest of the warblers, his eyes showing clear disdain. The room was quiet the minute Nick had began talking. None of them had seen him like this.

This was Nick Grayson for crying out loud!

The kid that hid in the library for fear his bullies would get him. The kid that wouldn't voice his opinions very often because he was afraid of what people thought. The kid who _never_ swore.

So where was he?

They found they didn't have an answer for that. So they remained silent.

"Shouldn't we look at both sides of the story _before_ siding with anyone?" Nick was cut off before he could continue.

It was time to put this _kid_ back in his place.

"We all know Kurt's in the wrong. Did you _hear_ what he said about bisexuality Nick? Why aren't you mad! You're bisexual!" Nick leveled a cool gaze at Thad.

The _kid_ wasn't going to back down.

"I also know that Kurt just wouldn't say that unless he was antagonized. God you're all a bunch of douches! Do you enjoy kissing Blaine's ass?"

"Warbler Nick! We do not allow that type of speaking in the Warbler's choir room!" Nick stared at Wes, his next words laced with rage.

"And yet you allowed those two to talk about another Warbler in such a manner. I apologize but I do not wish to associate myself with a group of people who think someone getting bashed because he's gay is his fault. I expected more out of you guys. And Blaine! Really? Weren't you bashed because you were gay? So what? You think it's okay because it's Kurt? You think it's okay because now Kurt said something wrong once?" Blaine's eyes widened.

"No! I-I didn't mean to come off that way." Blaine looked at the floor; his eyes beginning to tear. He looked up under his lashes, and Nick knew he was faking.

Fucking douche.

Nick's face contorted with rage.

"Yet you did nothing to dissuade these two from their allegations that Kurt made up the bullying just to get closer to you! You and I both know that Kurt was getting bullied. So why in the actual fuck didn't you say something to stop them? Why?" Nick knew that he was on a fast train to getting kicked out of the Warblers, but he didn't he care. Hell, he was thinking of quitting after saying his piece, he knew that if he didn't take a stand, he would be their bitch for the rest of his high school career.

"Maybe he blew it all out of proportion to garner my sympathy! He knew I got beaten up, before he told me about his so-called 'bullying' problems! It was just a guy that had a crush on him and Kurt didn't react well! It wasn't anything big!" Blaine yelled, with as much bravado he could muster, which admittedly wasn't very much. Nick's eyes widened with surprise, not quite comprehending what Blaine said.

Did he just say what Nick thought he said? Nick looked at Blaine as his face slowly changed into one of triumph as though he bested Nick in the argument.

He just said that.

He fucking just said that.

Nick's frame shook as he tried to suppress the rage that was overtaking him in that moment.

"Are you fucking serious?" Nick couldn't handle it anymore. He looked around the room and what he saw made him even angrier.

None of them-excluding Jeff-gave a damn about Kurt. They were so busy kissing Blaine's ass that they refused to see what was right in front of them.

They were all such douches.

Nick found that he couldn't handle being in the room and spun on his heel, striding towards the door.

"Warbler Nick, if you leave the room, I promise you, that your spot within the Warblers will be terminated." Nick knew exactly what weight those words carried. He knew that if he stepped out of the door, then he was effectively cutting himself off from the group, not just extracurricular wise, but also friend wise. None of them would acknowledge his presence, unless required in a class.

Nick knew that.

He also knew that because of this, he would regress emotionally, he would return to being the Nick Grayson who was still suffering from his attack. He would be a shell of the person he is now. He didn't want to be that person. He didn't.

Nick shook this off and turned towards the Warblers. Letting his gaze wander over the group coolly as they sent him smug smiles.

Patronizing bastards, the lot of them.

Nick caught the gaze of Jeff who looked at him sadly. Nick tried to smile, but knew it would look looked at the Warblers, letting his eyes rake over them slowly, noting with satisfaction, that some of them had flinched.

These were the guys that came to him in his time of need.

Yet they immediately casted Kurt out when he needed them.

These were the guys that were so _nice_ to him.

Yet they remained coolly polite with Kurt.

Why is that? What was it about Kurt that caused them to be so mean, so rude, so _not_ like the Warblers he came to know?

Nick found he knew that answer, he just didn't want to acknowledge it.

He made his way towards Wes and shook his head and sighed.

"I, Nick Grayson, herby resign from my spot within the ranks of the show choir, the Warblers. I understand the implication of my being removed from the Warblers and wish you all good luck with regionals. Good day to you all." With those parting words, Nick spun around on his heel and strode out of the door, ignoring the calls for him to return to the room.

Nick tried to ignore the feeling of loneliness that tried to seep into him.

He was doing this for Kurt.

Nick stumbled his way down the hall. When did the hallway begin spinning?

He couldn't let his own feelings get in the way; Kurt needed him more.

The walls seemed to close in on him. When did it get so quiet? Nick began to gasp for air. Why couldn't he breathe anymore? Was someone calling him?

"-ick! Nick!" Nick looked up from the ground-when did he get there?-to see Jeff eyeing him worryingly.

"Nick? Are you okay?" Nick tried to talk, but he just couldn't _breathe_. He couldn't focus on anything anymore. He saw the edges of his vision become nothing but darkness, and not even Jeff's voice could bring him back.

Nick snapped his eyes open and peered around him. He frowned; he wasn't in his room. He sat up and looked around cautiously. He let out a sigh when he noticed whose room it was.

"Are you okay Nick?" He looked over at Jeff and smiled slightly.

"Yeah, sorry for freaking out." Jeff looked at him with what Nick identified as worry before sighing.

"Okay, I'll buy that for now." Nick smiled widely now before furrowing his brow.

"Wait, why aren't you at Warbler practice?" Jeff looked at Nick and raised an eyebrow.

"Do you honestly expect me to stay in that room with those bigots and pretend everything is hunky dory when it really isn't?" Nick snorted and grinned.

"So you quit?" Nick couldn't contain the hope in his voice, causing Jeff to laugh.

"Of course I did you dolt, great exit by the way." Jeff didn't mention the panic attack, for which Nick was grateful.

"What should I do Jeff?" Nick looked at his long time friend. Jeff always had the answers. He was Nick's confidant, his best friend, and his other half; if anyone knew how to solve the problem, it'd be Jeff.

"Wait in your room for Kurt to show up, and then talk to the guy. Heaven knows he probably wants to talk to someone about what happened to him and Blaine." Nick nodded and smiled; Jeff always knew what to say.

"Okay, yeah, good plan," Nick nodded to himself, and got up to head towards his room. Before he walked out of the door, he turned towards Jeff and smiled.

"Thanks Jeff, you always know the answers." With that, Nick left the room, leaving Jeff to his thoughts.

"I don't always know the answers Nick. I'm worried about what'll happen to Kurt, what'll happen to you _because_ of what's happening around here. Things aren't right around here." Jeff whispered to the quiet room.

Nick sat down on his bed and thought.

He thought about what Kurt was feeling. He thought about how in the hell he was going to fix this.

He thought about the Warblers mostly though.

'Seriously though, what _was_ that?' Nick thought to himself. They weren't acting like the Warblers he came to know. They weren't acting like the Warblers he came to trust.

Why didn't they like Kurt? Was it because they were simply uncomfortable with his way of expressing himself? Was it because they noticed that they couldn't pretend that everyone was straight?

The Warblers had embraced the "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy that army had once partaken to. They didn't care if you were gay, pansexual, or bisexual as long as you didn't "shove it in their face."

That's why they didn't like Kurt.

Nick and Blaine weren't obvious. They didn't have Kurt's high voice-something Nick thought was beautiful, and seriously they hadn't had a countertenor since _1945-_they didn't have Kurt's view on fashion, and they didn't sashay like Kurt did.

Kurt was different.

He wasn't supposed to be caged in the middle row, moving from side to side, pretending to be a freaking ukulele while Blaine sang another one of Katy Perry's smash hits.

Kurt was a fucking star. And Kurt knew that. Or at least he did in the beginning.

Nick wasn't stupid. He knew that Kurt's shine was dimming. He knew that Kurt didn't talk anymore in the Warblers- a sign that showed how unhappy he was.

Kurt was dying. And nobody else was noticing it. Hell the only reason Nick noticed it was because he was around Kurt all the time.

Nick placed his fist in his mouth and tried to muffle the sob that burst out.

How hadn't he noticed before? Kurt was dying! He was dying and nobody-not his father, not his _brother_, and certainly not his so-called friends noticed.

Nick included.

A real friend would have noticed, would have put a stop to it. But Nick ignored the obvious signs. He ignored the slight glares the Warblers threw at Kurt. He ignored the frosty disposition they possessed when confronted with Kurt's presence.

God he was no better than Blaine Fucking Anderson.

Nick sighed and wondered if he should get up to turn on the lights, seeing as he hadn't done that in his haste to get to the room before Kurt.

Before he could get up, however, he heard the door click open. He swung his gaze to face the door and saw Kurt coming into the room cautiously before taking in the seemingly dark room and relaxing. As Kurt turned on the light and made his way toward the bathroom, Nick decided it would be time for him to make his presence known.

"Kurt," Nick could see Kurt freeze in his steps.

"Kurt," Nick said a little urgently. And…Jesus! Was Kurt shivering? Why was he wet? Nick looked outside and saw the rain that was pounding relentlessly on the windowpane and looked at his friend worryingly.

"Jesus Kurt, you're shivering." Kurt spared him no answer before making his way towards the restroom.

"I'm going to be waiting right out here for your side of the story Kurt." Nick told him, trying to be reassuring. Again, he saw Kurt freeze before seeming to shake it off and head straight to the restroom.

Nick couldn't help but worry immensely for his friend. Why was Kurt so soaked? The rain wasn't so hard that his mouth would be blue just from being out there for a couple of minutes while he walked from his car to the campus…

Did Kurt walk here?

Nick banished that thought as quickly as it came. Of course he wouldn't walk here. This was Kurt for crying out loud! He has his own car and if he didn't, his house would have been closer to that coffee shop Blaine and him kept talking about. So he wouldn't walk all the way over here.

Would he…?

Nick shook his head to clear it as Kurt came out of the bathroom. Nick noted, with some satisfaction, that the shivering and the blue lips had subsided, although Kurt still looked pale. Kurt continued to dress without looking at Nick. Nick felt a sense of foreboding as Kurt turned around-too slowly for his liking-with a sigh.

Nick felt himself gasp. Kurt still hadn't put a shirt on, so Nick could see all the scars that littered his body. The three biggest ones being the jagged line across his stomach, above the naval, with the word FAG carved on top, and the word WORTHLESS carved on his right shoulder.

Nick could feel the tears well up in his eyes.

But that wasn't the worst thing.

No, the worst thing was the utter _defeat_ in Kurt's eyes. His face held no emotion, but Nick knew that Kurt's eyes were always so expressive. When looking at them, people would know how much Kurt was feeling and what he was feeling even if he had his ice mask on.

He would never forget the _dead_ look in his eyes. Kurt wasn't there anymore. It looked as if Kurt _died_. Something pushed him over the edge today. It was more than the fight with Blaine.

"Kurt," was that all he could say?

"Nick," Kurt replied. His voice held no emotion. It made Nick shiver. Kurt made his way to sit down on his bed.

"Tell me what happened," Nick wanted to know so badly. He wanted to know what made Kurt hurt, so he could put a stop to it.

"I'm a monster Nick," Nick's heart stopped then. Did Kurt just say that? Why would he say that? Who told him that?

"You're not a monster," Nick spat the word out, he knew what monsters were, and Kurt most definitely wasn't one of them.

"I'm just like Dave Karofsky. I hurt him Nick. I didn't even mean to. But then again I guess that's why I'm a monster. I hurt people without even trying." Nick felt the tears try to escape but pushed them down. A low keening sound escaped from Kurt's lips. Nick wanted to punch someone. Kurt couldn't even cry. He got off of his bed and made his way towards Kurt's.

"Is that what Blaine told you?" Nick felt white-hot fury course through his veins. How dare Blaine compare Kurt to the bully who made his life awful in high school? How dare Blaine compare Kurt to the fucking stalker, the one from his nightmares, the one who made Kurt suffer from anxiety attacks? How dare he?

"Yes, but I basically said bisexuality was wrong. And the funny thing is, I don't believe that. I know bisexuality exists, I know it's real. I have friends who are bisexual. I honestly don't care if you want to fuck a girl, boy, or a chair. I don't care. The thing I cared about was that they _both_ knew that I liked Blaine. BOTH of them did. And he picked her, he picked the girl who was my friend, he picked the girl that I competed with." Nick choked back tears at the matter of fact tone Kurt used. He knew that Kurt was hurting far more than he let on.

"And she picked him." Nick swallowed the lump in his throat as he watched his best friend teeter on the edge of despair.

"But that doesn't make what I said right. What I said was basically what Karofsky did to me. I made Blaine feel bad about himself. Tell me how that isn't like a monster!" Kurt thought he was a monster. Nick felt the tears he was trying so hard to keep in, leak out and slide down his face.

"Kurt, you didn't threaten Blaine. Sure you what you said was wrong. But you _knew _it was wrong. You want to apologize; I can see it in your eyes. But you're scared." Nick replied. He tried to make Kurt understand, to _see_ that it wasn't his fault, that he wasn't a _monster_.

"I'm tired Nick. I'm tired of everything. I just don't want it anymore." His voice was dead. Nick pulled him into a hug.

"It'll be okay Kurt. It'll be okay." Nick kept repeating those words until he fell asleep with Kurt in his arms. It'll be okay. It has to.

* * *

><p>Nick woke up to screaming. He felt himself stiffen and jump to the ground and land in a crouch, ready to take on the perceived threat. He found none, but continued to hear the screaming from the bathroom he shared with Kurt. Nick looked over sharply to Kurt's bed and saw nobody in it. Quick as lightning he made his way toward the bathroom to find Kurt, slumped to the ground screaming.<p>

Nick got down on his knees begging Kurt to stop. To fight whatever nightmare he found himself in and come to him. He pleaded with Kurt to come back to him. He felt himself sob as Kurt's screams continued on unabated. Nick struggled to stand up and called the nurse, as well as Kurt's father to tell him about the situation. Nick watched, seemingly unattached as the nurse called 911. He watched as they took his friend away in a gurney. He watched all of this, looking every bit as apathetic as he could. When everyone left his dorm, he closed his door and allowed himself to sink to the ground and let out a wail.

"Kurt…Kurt," each time he whispered Kurt's name, a sob would rip its way through him. Kurt was hurt. Kurt thought he was _damaged_. Kurt didn't know if he could be repaired.

But Nick knew. Nick knew Kurt could be repaired. He knew how to fix him.

And he was going to his darndest to heal him.

In that room, hidden by the darkness that surrounded him, the kid that everyone thought they could step on, control, grew up.

He had someone to protect now.


End file.
